December 8th

I know that in time December 8th will feel like a normal day. I would have thought by now it would feel that way and now that it has come all I can hope for is that next year it will be a little easier. It will always be a day for me to remember but in time it wont be as difficult to face. Today is the 4th anniversary of when I had my hysterectomy. Those of you that are reading this are most likely my friends and family and already know the reasoning behind it so I don't feel the need to explain. For the past 3 years I have taken the day off work because I have felt the need to take a day for myself and reflect on my life and all that I have been given. Having had the hysterectomy has been bittersweet. I know that going through with the hysterectomy was the best decision I have ever made, health wise. Emotionally I'm not so sure. I have never felt better and I know for a fact it is what I needed to do.

For me writing this is a way to express what I am feeling today and then by tomorrow move on with the next phase of my life. If you have asked me years ago how my life would be now, it definitely wouldn't be the way that it is. I think as a young girl that you always grow up thinking that having a family and children is just something that happens and happens for everyone. Well at least that is what I thought. In that respect I feel robbed. Whenever I hear of a friend having a baby I feel excitement and sadness all at the same time. Knowing that I will never get the opportunity myself is heartbreaking. Throughout the year I often think about it but I am able to put things in perspective and move on. Last week was probably the most emotional and difficult week I have had since I had the surgery. I'm not exactly sure why but I think my body knows and goes through a hormonal roller coaster. I think I cried more last week than I have in years. And although I was sad I was able to remind myself how lucky and blessed I really am. My circumstances may not be what I would have chosen however I have so much to be grateful for.

I have an amazing sister who has allowed me to spend as much time as I want with her kids. I have been able to see Thomas and Noelle through every milestone of their lives. I've been able to take Thomas on a special summer vacation, just him and I, every year since he was born. I get to keep both of them several nights a week at my house. I've been able to take them to my friends children's birthday parties. I have a special bond with Thomas that I can't explain. I have tried to put into words how much he means to me and how much I love him and I haven't been able to come up with the right words. Noelle has been a blessing in my life that has taught me more about myself and she brings such happiness and joy to my life.

I have a sister-in-law that never forgets to call and has always been a friend. This year Tyler has also been such a blessing. The phone calls that she makes to ask me questions about Tyler mean so much to me. She sends pictures all the time and calls for no reason at all other than to talk about how Tyler is doing or something he has learned to do. Our webcam dates with Tyler are amazing and even though it's for just a few minutes they mean the world to me. I have been able to go and visit Tyler 3 times in the past six months and those visits have meant so much to me.

I have a wonderful family that loves me and supports me in everything that I do. I have great job that 98% of the time brings me joy and happiness, I have been blessed to live in a beautiful home that I can call my own, I have friends that love and care about me, my health is good and I have a wonderful little dog that no matter what I have done or what kind of day I have had will always greet me a the car door and will always love me.

So, today I reflect on my life, the blessings that I have, the trials I have endured and know that I am a better person for all I have experienced. I am truly blessed!!!